Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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