Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
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