can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
a search helicopter?!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
