Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
