So drunk its hurt
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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