a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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