i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
