Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
