dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
