Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
