I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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