i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
