The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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