You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
