I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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