Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
