my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
