dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
