i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
