shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
