saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
