he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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