This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
two words: eviction party
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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