in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
