when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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