i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
