My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
