life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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