Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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