i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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