Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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