I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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