so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
