DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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