I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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