his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
