I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
