God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
