So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
