Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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