you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
