You're my little dorito
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
