So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
