I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
