they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
