I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have feelings that need drinking.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
