she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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