I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
