Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
