The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
