i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
