I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
