Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
